Raw Dogging

Men are such fucking babies about putting a thin piece of latex over that dangly appendage between their legs. “It’s too tiiiiiight,” they’ll whine at you while you’re busy still trying to digest the news about reproductive rights being taken away from women in this year of our Lord. 

You’re not that big, shutup. If you can’t stay hard then that sounds like a you problem. Don’t blame Trojan. 

Y’all fuck everything that moves! And you want me to let you raw dog when we have MONKEY POX to contend with? No sir! Suck it up and wear that little sleeve. Do you think WE like the way it feels? We certainly do NOT! But we don’t trust your dumbass, especially if we are having sex outside of a relationship (and even THEN…)

“I’m clean,” every single guy will contest when you ask them to make this small sacrifice. 

“When was the last time you were tested?” we will innocently reply. 

“Six months ago,” they will retort, knowing FULL WELL that they have had unprotected sex with eight girls SINCE then. And also, it wasn’t six months ago. Men are selective truth tellers. They’ve probably only been tested once in their entire lives, and it was only because their doctor offered it as part of their physical (that they got only because it’s required from their health insurance in order to get that benzo or painkiller that they “need”) and they thought, I mean, sure, why not? 

While we’re on the subject of men’s preventative health, that is not even a term that really exists lolz. Men don’t do anything preventative for their health. They only see a doctor when they are on the verge of death or have an out of control infection. His only means of preventative health is when he finally gets a girlfriend and she is forced into mothering him because he hasn’t had a checkup or a teeth cleaning in seven years and it worries her. 

But I digress. Setting the STD’s aside, we def don’t want you to knock us up in any sort of unplanned way because the Rethuglicans will come and burn our house down if they find out we had an abortion. 

I love that science is trying to come up with new and creative ways for men to take some sort of birth control medication but I, for one, wouldn’t trust them with that responsibility. Pregnancy doesn’t effect his body so the consequences aren’t quiiiiiiiite as catastrophic, henceforth, he wouldn’t take it on time like his life depended on it like we do. 

“Well you can just take a Plan B if there is an accident,” they will say as if Plan B is FREE and doesn’t make us bleed and feel nauseous for five days straight. Or you could just wear the fucking neon green condom that I got from Planned Parenthood three years ago and call it a day. 

Do we have to go through this back and forth every time? It’s exhausting. Just pretend like you’re married and we’re your mistress. That way you’ll proceed with more extreme caution.