aStRoLoGy iSn’T ReAl. yOu’Re So La. tHeRe iS nO ScIenCe tO bAcK tHiS uP.
Shutup and just let me have this.
There is a lot of nuance to everyone’s charts and houses and the various planets that they are ruled by and blah, blah, blah. I’ve already lost you, I know. Even I don’t get half of it. This list is based solely off of sun signs, which is how a person most dominantly presents to others. And it is based on my own, personal, anecdotal data. So don’t get all up in your feelings about where I’ve ranked you. You shoulda been born at a different time. That’s on you.
12. Aquarius – Unfortunately for you, dear Aquarius, you are the grand prize winner of being the WORST sign. You think that you are just SO unique and that no one understands your complicated brain. In reality, you are an alien from outer space who I have to snap at several times during a conversation because you’ve zoned out about the Pythagorean theorem, the law of Relativity, how an airplane engine works, whether we faked the moon landing or not, how much a human heart weighs underwater, i.e. whatever random bullshit has creeped into your subconscious. Shit NO ONE cares about, nor wants to talk about during casual drinks with friends. Y’all think you’re so DEEP but you’re really just esoteric. An Aqua has never met a conspiracy theory they didn’t like. They overthink to the point of insanity. No disrespect to anyone on the spectrum, but ALL Aquas are somewhere on the spectrum. Their brain short-circuits when they try to comprehend human emotions. DETACHED is an understatement for this maniacal sign. They are so out of touch with their own feelings and the feelings of others that they come off as serial killer sociopaths. They struggle to relate to people on such a level that I am convinced that they are sentient AI robots from the future trying to cosplay as a human being. They have a heart the size of the Grinch (pre Cindy Lou Who intervention) and it prevents them from getting close to anyone. Word to the wise: NEVER fall in love with an Aquarius unless you desire to have the urge to kill yourself. Because, this is the sign most known to GHOST. As soon as you develop feelings, BOOM. They’re gone. And then you have to get into therapy while they move on to their next victim. Yikes.
11. Scorpio – Scorpio, y’all know everyone hates you and you kinda prefer it that way. You’re an introvert who would live alone on your own island if you had the choice, yet you love to be the drama at the same time. You’re the fieriest water sign which translates to you being ENRAGED all the time due to extreme SENSITIVITY and not being able to EXPRESS that. Your emotions are a jigsaw puzzle with fifty thousand pieces. A Rubik’s cube with one tile of each color missing. An algebra question with no definitive answer. You drive people crazy because when you’re upset, instead of talking it through, you will either give the silent treatment or gaslight or both. You will scream at someone and then get mad at THEM for making you scream. JEALOUS. POSSESSIVE. SECRETIVE. They are the type to have a whole ass other family that you never knew about while being MARRIED to them. They expect full and absolute transparency from you, but will they themselves lie and cheat and swindle. Double standards is their middle name. The mysteriousness of Scorpios makes them sexy at first. But then when you realize they are never gonna drop that wall down, it’s infuriating. They are absolute ANIMALS in the sack, but that intensity can also be frightening. Like, are they going to choke me out while we climax? Scorpios will seek revenge on anyone and everyone that has wronged them. The girl in the news who stabbed her boyfriend for cheating? That was definitely a Scorpio. (Scorpio women are much less offensive than Scorpio men though.)
10. Gemini – Gemini, y’all are flighty and flakey SPACE CADETS. You’re fun when you actually show up to things for twenty minutes of your precious time and then bounce, but you make everyone in your life feel like an afterthought. You’re just so BUSY and in DEMAND and your social circle is HUGE so you can never stay put anywhere for very long. You’re completely unaware of your surroundings at all times which makes you a huge liability. You talk shit about other people like you’re getting paid for it and couldn’t keep a secret if there were a gun to your head. You are not to be trusted or relied on for ANYTHING. Every single time I make plans with a Gemini they flake two hours before they’re supposed to be there. They’re always late, very self-absorbed, and two-faced. They love to TALK, mostly about themselves or about unsubstantiated gossip, and will call you twenty times in one day even though you told them you were going to be busy. They DGAF. Chatty Kathies this lot. Everything that happens to them is so INTENSE and DRAMATIC and you better drop what you’re doing to talk them down from a ledge if they need you. (They sure as shit won’t do the same for you, though. Trust.) Chaotic energy to the max. Can’t focus. ADHD. The human personification of Adderall.
9. Virgo – Some of my closest friends are Virgo women. But it took a LONG time to get to that point because everyone thinks you hate them when they first meet you! We can feel the JUDGEMENT oozing from your pores. Your personality is like a cactus: dry and prickly. You’re too meticulous and picky for anyone to get close to you. Your brain is full of charts and graphs and timelines and scheduling. You’re SMART, Virgo. We knowwwwwww. You clean things that others have just cleaned because it wasn’t cleaned enough by your standards of clean. If you’re a female Virgo, you emasculate the fuck out of your partner in public by telling him everything he’s doing wrong. If you’re a male Virgo, you can’t enjoy sex because you’re too busy critiquing your partner’s moves. You are the definition of a FUN SPONGE. A WET BLANKET. No one can relax around you because they’re worried that you will hate on them for their grammar, outfit choice, makeup application, opinion, or eating habits. If something isn’t absolutely PERFECT you have a total meltdown. Everything has to be carefully curated and planned within an inch of its life. You can never just let go and live a little. If high blood pressure and anxiety were a person it would be a VIRGO. Great gift givers, though.
8. Pisces – Cry babies. Toughen up, sweetie! Stop being so moody and just RELAX. Romance is their middle name. And don’t get me wrong, every girl loves a little romance but it usually happens way too early on in the courtship. Save that for when you actually know me so I know it’s real! How many girls have you sent a bouquet of roses to this week?! Their head is always in LaLa land daydreaming about a perfect person who doesn’t exist (or even a fictional character from their favorite TV show). Very gullible and easy to influence, so they get taken advantage of often. They’re very self-pitying when things don’t go their way. Just quite literally always in their feelings. They are a sad Drake album. PEOPLE PLEASERS. I love how much of a lover y’all are, but you’re so devoted to people who don’t even care about you! Save up that energy for people who deserve it so that you don’t get resentful. I get tired of your drunken, sad sack rants. Everything about you is dripping with MELANCHOLY. You’re a depressive little violin solo playing in an empty amphitheater during a rainstorm.
7. Capricorn – If Caps were a show they would be SUCCESSION. Their only focus in life is money and power and they will bulldoze over whoever they need to on their way up. They can be pretty cold and emotionless. They catch flights not feelings. INDEPENDENT. Get on their level! They are hard workers and great leaders but pretty unapproachable. They’re smart and can be funny because they’re so sarcastic but…kind of assholes? GOAL-ORIENTED. Being that they are an earth sign, they are practical and realistic. They don’t think with their heart very often which makes them difficult to get into a relationship with. You must be PATIENT. Like, really patient. Like, you will be waiting years for the Cap to warm up and come around to you. They want to be in control at all times and think that their ideas are not up for debate. They’re just BETTER than yours. Untrusting and just not really that nice overall. My dad is a Cap and he is WILDLY different than what I’ve just described, but it’s his other placements that dominantly influence his personality. I’m a Capricorn rising and this energy is STRONG within me.
6. Cancer – You know that joke about how lesbians bring a Uhaul on the second date? The same goes for Cancers. A lesbian who is also a Cancer? OOOooo BOY. They’ll wife you up by minute three on the first meeting. Cancers are VERY dependent and have to be in a relationship at all times because they feel completely insecure and out of control when they are single. Male Cancers are SIMPS. They love love, which is cute and all, but it’s also overwhelming and suffocating. They want you in their sight and cuddled up in their arms at all times. SPACE is a foreign concept to them. They are the MOMS of the zodiac. They want to take care of you, provide, protect, and nurture. All great qualities, but they can take it way too far. Both Romeo AND Juliet were probably Cancers—committing suicide because they can’t be with their one true love. You’re always so SAD and in your feelings, Cancer. You need a fire sign bestie to tell you every hour on the hour to SUCK IT UP. Stop being so sensitive and mopey and get it together! Not every inconvenience is the end of the world.
5. Leo – Two words: GOD COMPLEX. You show up to the party two hours late, completely overdressed in designer clothing you charged to an already maxed out credit card, and expect to be the center of attention. Not everything is about you, LEO! Leo is represented by the Lion. They are the kings and queens of the jungle and their own lives. Main character energy. You will never see them pass a reflective surface and not check themselves out. They need to be loved and adored and for people to kiss the ground that they walk on. Their expectations are astronomical and no earthly beings can meet them. They fancy themselves as an ADONIS. In a relationship with one, they need to be told everyday how much better they are than your ex. The men are Patrick Bateman in American Psycho winking in the mirror and admiring their muscles flexing while fucking you. CLOTHES! SHOPPING! INDULGENCE! Please don’t be poor around a Leo, because, EW. The thing about Leos is though: they’re really fun. They don’t take themselves too seriously and are fairly self-aware. Like, they know they are a little selfish. Most of them are intelligent and have a good sense of humor. They have good taste. They are good advice givers.
4. Taurus – Taurus, all you care about in life is eating well and sleeping a lot and you know what? I fucking RESPECT that. But you can also be kinda LAME because of it. Netflix and chill AGAIN tonight? Order from the same take-out place that we already had three times this week? Must we only frequent one bar because you are assured a good drink and the bartenders know you by name? Fuck an A. Can we please have some VARIETY? Y’all are a steady ship sailing in the wind. RELIABLE. People can count on you to stick to your word. You keep it real and you don’t fuck around with peoples’ feelings. You are, for the most part, uncomplicated. What you see is what you get. But you also refuse to stray from your routine for ANYONE. You leave the bar at 9pm because you need to do a face mask, meditate, exfoliate, and watch your shows before you sleep for thirteen hours. Your standards are HIGH and you can be pretentious because you expect LUXURY at all times. You want to secure that BAG because you need to feel constant STABILITY and SECURITY. Taurus women are the type to marry for money only. Your worst trait, Taurus? Drum roll please…you are FUCKING STUBBORN. You’re a know it all and once you’ve made up your mind about something you refuse to change it. And your temper? YIKES. Don’t poke and prod the bull unless you want the horns!
3. Libra – Y’all are just so CHILL and easy to get along with. You’re agreeable, lighthearted, and sweet. You’re the peacemaker who just wants everyone to get along. Every Libra I’ve ever known has the temperament of a Golden Retriever. You never tire of being around them. They’re just really NICE. They see all sides of an argument and won’t ever try and force their opinions or beliefs on anyone. But I have some advice for you: have a fucking backbone about something, anything, PLEASE. I’m begging you. I like that your personality could be described as sunshine and flowers, but you also can’t make a decision to save your fucking life and that is maddening. Libras are very easy to love. Because they love to BE in love. Buuuuuut, they are also loving half the neighborhood. They have a side chick, a side ho, a mistress, and a fuck buddy while also dating you. They will flirt with anything that moves for attention.
2. Aries – (full disclosure for anyone who doesn’t know: I’m an Aries.) An Aries woman is the bad bitch, queen bee, Regina George, over-confident, DGAF, quintessential leader of the zodiac. We’re the FIRST and the best. If you want us to lose or give up on anything, you’ll have to kill us first. Bitch, we KNOW that we are quick to anger. But it’s 0 to 100 and then RIGHT BACK DOWN to 0 with a quickness. So just give us five seconds to cool off and then we’re all Gucci. We don’t hold grudges often and are very forgiving. You fucked up? That’s okay, we did worse than that last week! We are productive, hard working little energizer bunnies. If you want something done in a timely fashion, give it to an Aries and tell them it’s a race with a prize at the finish line. We are adventurous and impulsive, which means we are very go with the flow. The best part about us is we are always ready to TURN THE FUCK UP. The party truly doesn’t start until we arrive. Are we impatient and competitive and do we get bored of people easily? Yes. Here’s an idea, don’t be fucking boring! But do we always keep it real and honest? Also, yes. One time a friend said to me, “wow you just always tell it like it is, huh?” as if I was doing her a DISSERVICE. Yes, Jessica, and you’re welcome. At least you always know where you stand with me. Aries men though? OOooo boy. They are ruthless WOMANIZERS who are very insensitive to your feelings. Which is the only reason why we aren’t number one, lol.
1. Sagittarius – Sag is my SOUL SISTER (and my moon sign just for full transparency lolz). I’ve never met a Sag I didn’t like. I have three Sag’s in my immediate family so I know them well. Sag is COOL, man. They do them and allow you to do you. They don’t judge, they don’t criticize (unless you ask for it, in which case, they will be fully honest with you), and they are always there for their friends. They are PARTY ANIMALS and will drop EVERYTHING if you want them to day drink with you. They are reckless and impetuous which makes them FUN. You ended up in jail from a wild night out? You are the most hungover you’ve ever been in your life? You drove to Mexico on a late night whim? It was because of a Sagittarius! They don’t back down from any challenges. They love to travel and are always down to try something new. Their fiery energy can set them off quick, but only when it’s deserved. Sag doesn’t mince words. If you come at them, expect them to shut you the fuck down. They’re wild and a little chaotic. Like that second line of cocaine that hits a little too hard. The best part about Sag is that they are FUNNY as HELL. Their sense of humor is elite. They know all the meme references, they know all the slang, they have all the jokes. They’ve watched every movie and listened to every song because Sag’s appreciate the arts and most of them are creatives themselves. They don’t like making big life plans because they like to be free-spirited and untethered. So, the biggest downfall of a Sag is getting them to settle down. Committing to a romantic relationship is like asking them to eat goat testicles. BUT if you’ve managed to get one to commit to you, they are yours FOR LIFE.