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App Dating

This ain’t it, y’all. This aaaaaaaain’t it. Online shopping for people to love like that’s a fucking normal thing to do?! What in the dystopian, Black Mirror, kind of society are we creating?! I know this isn’t, like, some new concept. But if you really stop and think about what we’re doing here, it’s incredibly fucked up. I want the simulation to stahhhhhhp!  

Listen, if you ENJOY interviewing complete strangers to be your life partner then by all means continue on giving yourself a thumb cramp with your Bumble-fest extravaganza. I would sooner DIE ALONE than try to MacGyver a connection through a never-ending series of two-dimensional photos and forced text conversation which leads to many insufferable first dates until you find someone who doesn’t make you vomit in your mouth enough to be awarded a second try. You’re treating this shit like a job. How ROMANTIC. 

Will you meet the love of your life on an app? Fuck, I dunno, maybe. But the odds seem pretty LOW unless you want to go on three dates a week with below-your-standards options who you hope will end up surprising you. Because the ONE guy you found after swiping for seventeen hours who is a panty-dropper didn’t even match with you, the one who is very cute and has a stat line that looks promising isn’t even responding to your witty as hell opening line, and the one who you shrugged your shoulders at who is just “alright” is in the chat being dry and humorless. The stakes are low, the investment is low, and so everyone acts lame and flakey. So you finally get desperate and give the guy who is a four in LA (a six at best in his hometown) a shot who has a great sense of humor. And then you miraculously make it to the actual date and he ends up being even less good looking in person and has a beer belly and makes some sort of overtly sexual joke that makes you cringe. You tell him boy bye and unmatch. Lather, rinse, repeat. Who has the time and energy for that?! 

First dates by their very nature are just awkward and uncomfortable. Even if it’s with someone you already know in real life. Because there is all of this PRESSURE and EXPECTATION. Yeah, sure, you’re just “getting to know each other.” But we both know that we also are auditioning one another for LONG TERM POTENTIAL and that’s…A LOT. I’m supposed to do that with the bottom of the barrel group who have no game or the fuckboys who just want a hookup but aren’t being transparent about it? Naw, fam. I’m cool with my reruns of Dateline on a Saturday night for the rest of my life. I have no more “how long have you been in LA?’s” in me. 

The best part of falling in love is the organic, synchronistic, unavoidable, unexpectedness of it. App dating blocks this from happening because it is trying to force connections with people who look good on paper. Who are in your preferred age range and have a good job and a graduate degree and live nearby and don’t smoke and only drink socially and have a compatible zodiac sign. That shit alone does not equate to love. 

EVERY SINGLE ONE of my exes are pretty TRASH on paper. They’re not the type to even be on the apps, let alone be good at it. So even if that were how I “met” them, it never would’ve even developed. I would’ve swiped left with a QUICKNESS and never even gotten the chance to experience their toxicity and emotional abuse LOLZ. And sure, they fucked me up emotionally, but at least I was MADLY in love (and I needed to be hurt for character development, let’s be honest). All of you who chose someone from an internet catalogue SETTLED and YOU KNOW IT. 

Because you got scared. Because you were single for too long. Because you needed to feel in control of your circumstances. We love a desperate queen! Enjoy your vanilla partner who checked all the boxes but will never give you butterflies! 

Dating fucking strangers to try and fall in love is just so weird to me. I fall in love (lust?) with someone first (vibes, energy, connection, attraction) and then date them. Which doesn’t happen very often. And I’m sure that makes me an anomaly, but I bet it also makes me less stressed and annoyed than the average app dating crowd. Single for much longer lengths of time, sure. But I don’t want to fill up time and space with time and space fillers. 

Published by loverlo

Actress, writer, lover. leskirvi@gmail.com

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