Toxic Love Advice

Everyone on social media is a relationship expert these days. I’ve even tried to sort of brand myself as one in the past because I was trying to market a book I had written about relationships. The truth is, none of us know SHIT. Why? Because people are fucking COMPLICATED. You can’t boil human behavior down to a couple of easy little catchphrases that you record for TikTok views. 

Most all relationship advice that is peddled around town is targeted at straight women, because we are the most susceptible and we will buy all the books and watch all of the videos. Because being a single woman makes us feel insecure and broken and we need to do whatever we can and listen to whoever seems to know more than us so that we can finally pin down Mr. Right. 

Sure, fine, do whatever you need to do. But I would advise you to take the following with a grain of salt: 

If he wanted to, he would. This is such reductive, simplistic advice to apply to a nuanced, imperfect situation. So if he isn’t automatically obsessed with you and trying to lock it down the moment y’all meet he doesn’t want you? What if he is on a different timeline than you are? Maybe he does want to but is shy or lacking confidence. Or afraid of rejection! People make so much fun of women who say a man is “scared” as if this is not an emotion that any man could or should ever feel. We were all children once, even men lol. And when faced with scary things like love, sometimes people revert back to repeat the pattern of love they had from their parents. Which, for children of our generation, has a good chance of being extremely SHITTY. Some people sabotage things that they don’t want to sabotage! There are A LOT of unhealed people out there just trying to raw dog life without any help or therapy! They can be completely frozen in INACTION. Maybe YOU should take the action if you want it so bad. Just an idea. I know, I know. Men are supposed to be the PURSUERS. But maybe they need a little encouragement. 

If it’s the wrong timing, it’s the wrong person….what does this even mean? If you want a person to solve the problem of “slot filler” then by all means find someone who is READY right this SECOND. People can still love you even if they aren’t ready for the type of commitment you’re ready for. If you fall in love with a person and they are not ready, you can be patient and wait for them. That is a scenario that can exist. Will it drive you to the point of insanity? Possibly. I never said it was for the faint of heart! But what is the alternative? You searching for someone who is in the same stage of readiness. And what if you don’t like them as much? Do you see the problem here? We don’t always get to decide when and where and how we will fall in love. That’s the nature of love! It can be unexpected and at an inconvenient time! “Oh but if he really wanted you then he would automatically be ready no matter what.” Mmmmmkay. Y’all. People are not black and white and men are not this simple. Trauma, more specifically relationship trauma, can cause fight/flight/freeze no matter how much they WANT something in theory. I don’t really want someone to force themselves into a position they can’t emotionally handle so that they don’t lose me. We have to meet people where they ARE. Maybe it’s not EVER just not right NOW. 

Focus on receiving only. Every relationship self help book on the shelves aimed at women says something of this nature. We should be feminine little wallflowers who wait to be pursued, taken out, and cherished, and we should take, take, take. No GIVING! That is breaking the rules! You give back by batting your eyelashes and accepting his offers! This is such fucked up, selfish, and, frankly, weird advice. Someone giving me things and resources does not make me feel more loved by them. Maybe because receiving gifts and acts of service aren’t my love languages? Or maybe because I don’t need a partner to perform for me like a circus monkey. This is antiquated advice from when women only married for monetary, practical reasons. And the men were macho pigs who looked at women as a prize to be won, only to then stay in the kitchen and bear the children. Pay attention to a man’s actions, of course, because his level of active investment is usually pretty equal to his level of desire for you. But he doesn’t have to finance your life or give you gifts everyday to prove his worth or his love. Look, we are teammates now in this progressive society we live in. There is no hierarchy where the men are above you anymore. 

Make a list of every single little attribute that you want in a partner and only settle down once you’ve found it. Ladies, please have the most INSANE standards and never settle for less than you DESERVE! Sure, you can try and law of attraction that shit with a handy little checklist that you’ve put under your pillow to seep into your brain to then manifest into your reality. Or you can allow people to be human and full of flaws and imperfections and love them anyway. Obviously if a dude is a fucking loser who smokes weed all day and lives in his mom’s basement he’s probably not going to be the most desirable choice to you. But have you looked in the mirror lately? Do YOU hit every single attribute on that checklist? Would you want a man sizing you up for every little thing you can offer him? Maybe your priorities are a little whack. For me, I just need emotional availability/intelligence and the ability to communicate (and obviously I have to be attracted to them). Everything else is a bonus. I have friends who have a checklist in the notes app of their phone that is curated within an inch of its life, with ridiculous shit like: “graduate degree, over 6’2”, comes from a good family, owns a home, investments, no debt, wants 2.5 kids, ready for marriage” etc. etc. forever. Women who are looking for a sperm donor focus solely on: What can this person do/provide for me? They don’t give a FUCK about whether or not they’re in love. If your only goal is to nail down someone who is GOOD ON PAPER, go to any hotel bar in Beverly Hills and dress slutty. Not that hard. 

The only love advice you will ever need is to TRUST YOUR GUT. If your gut is in knots and your most dominant emotion is ANXIETY then they are probably bad for you and should be avoided. If you feel calm in their presence, then maybe let it unfold however it will without controlling or judging. Easier said than done, of course. Love is hard. And fickle. And scary.

And one more thing: anything that is meant for you will not pass you by. Good luck out there, friends. ❤

Published by loverlo

Actress, writer, lover. leskirvi@gmail.com

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