Shroom People

You know how I know when someone is really into mushrooms? THEY NEVER SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT. 

This is how people used to be about weed until they realized that no one who wasn’t also high 24/7 or selling it gives a shit about hearing about it. You wanna do drugs? Have at it! I don’t give a fuck if you shoot up heroin! I just don’t want to hear about it or talk about because I can’t relate. But people who like magic mushrooms WANT YOU TO HEAR ABOUT IT AND KNOW ABOUT whether you want to or not. 

It just gives such immature vibes. I like drinking alcohol, but I stopped talking about how much I love it and all of the wild and silly things I would get into while under the influence when I was in college. Because nobody cares unless they were also directly involved in those same antics as you. 

You wanna tell me about your crazy shroom trip where you saw God and talked to him and I don’t want you to tell me about your crazy shroom trip where you saw God and talked to him. Because it’s NOT REAL. This is the same thing as telling me, in full detail, about your dream. You went into a fucked up part of your brain. CONGRATULATIONS. Seems cool in theory or whatever, but I don’t want to hear about your fairytales and NO I cannot decipher it for you. Even psychologists don’t really know how to analyze your dreams. Why would I?

You want to tell me how your brain was melting and your body was buzzing and the art on your walls was changing form? The only response I have to that is, “damn, that’s crazy.” In other words, I DON’T CARE. 

I’m glad you had an experience that was cool to you but I don’t have any desire or need to have that same experience. STOP NAGGING ME about joining you. If or when I change my mind about that, I will come to you, the SHROOM QUEEN/KING, and ask you to fill me in on everything I need to know. STOP trying to push it on me when I’ve already told you I’m ALL GUCCI.

“jUsT tRy iT,” they’ll say. Desperate to have a co-conspirator in their fifth dimension, Bermuda triangle, dual reality.

“I don’t want to,” I will say for the millionth time. 

“OmG, yOu’Re So VaNiLla.” Ok, well, I’m also not a teenager, so your peer pressure tactics will not work on me, JESSICA. 

You had a very unique experience that only other druggie people will understand, so talk to them about it.

One of my friends was like, “omg it’s so silly that you call it a DRUG.” And I was like, what the fuck am I supposed to call it? A VEGETABLE? A PLANT? A FUNGUS? I mean it alters your reality so hmmm, sounds like a fucking drug by LITERAL DEFINITION to me. 

I just found out literally last week that psilocybin is a controlled substance. I thought it was a free for all, much like with weed, for anyone who wanted to partake. But no ma’am! It is an elbow nudge, *wink wink* ILLEGAL drug. Probs because it causes HALLUCINATIONS or whatevs. It’s natural, so it seems as if it would be hard to control, and it IS, as I know many people who are now selling it in chocolate form. 

Apparently psilocybin can help ease depression if you microdose it. I’m happy that people with depression have an alternative to synthetic, lab made drugs. I think anything that comes from our mother earth is probably put here for a reason and is a good thing. But people abuse good things that make them feel good things. 

So have at it y’all but remember to be responsible! Love, your mom. Also, stop trying to peddle it to me. And the next time you’re tripping balls, write about it in your dream diary. I don’t need to know.