Venmo

Venmo is arguably the greatest app in modern history. The backbone of our current society. A game changer for large, mixed company dinners, bar tabs, ride sharing, football pools, etc. etc. forever. 

BUT it has its flaws, and they are FATAL. 

The most offensive is that you won’t get the money transfer that you are owed from the homies for one to three business days. As if we are fucking billionaires that don’t care how and when we get our money! I don’t want to cover anyone’s share of anything if I can’t get my money back immediately. Oh, but I CAN you say? Yes, for a 1.25% fee, fuck you! 

I understand that Venmo needs to make money somehow, but this is just…not chill. I’d rather my friends write me a check like it’s 1995, because at least then I can deposit it into my account with a simple photo and access my funds immediately. I am very protective over my money. I need to know EXACTLY how much I have at any given time, so that I know exactly how much I can blow on things I don’t need. None of this “pending” and “processing” bullshit. Give me my dolla, dolla, bills y’all. 

My next grievance, and this is NOT Venmo’s fault, is that when your friend has turned into a sloppy sorority girl at your local bar and asks you to get her next drink (and FRIES too!) so she doesn’t have to leave the table where she is flirting with a six at best and she slurs, “I’ll Vendmoo yous” there is not a CHANCE she will remember to do it that night, if at all. 

OH! But Venmo has a solution for that, which is the REQUEST feature. Sure, sure, sure. Very important. Very appreciated. Because people make mistakes! They blackout and forget they even had that last drink and fries! Buuuuuut, my corporate friends whose inbox is at 1,000 every twenty minutes and my new mom friends whose brains can only handle things that are directly related to their child conveniently miss that little notification email from the Venmo team quuuuuuite often! And then I am stuck bugging them about paying me like an asshole. 

“Oopsie, looks like you forgot to pay me back! Sorry, but if you don’t mind I just want it done and over with so I don’t have to think about it anymore. No worries, if not. I’ll go fuck myself if that pleases you.” 

Being the sender is a MUCH more comfortable position for most people to be in than to be the receiver. I am very responsible and on top of things so I always pay people immediately. But Venmo will have you on a WILD ASS goose chase trying to find the right handle to pay your lovers, friends, and acquaintances. If they aren’t right in front of you to tell you the right handle, or to hover over their QR code then you are FUCKED, my guy! Because EVEN THOUGH Venmo has accessed ALL OF YOUR CONTACTS in your phone, when you type in Britney McClain, friend for eight years, not a SINGLE Venmo handle pops up for her. Even if you’ve sent money to them in the past they sometimes don’t even come up in the search bar! OR there are twenty options to choose from and you don’t know which is theirs. What the fuck, Venmo?!

And if you send money to the wrong person, whoopsie that’s on YOU! That money is now forever gone and you will have to eat that cost for being an idiot because Venmo will NOT refund that to you. You should’ve known your dumb friend’s EXACT Venmo handle off the top of your head! Sure, for most people it’s just their firstname-lastname i.e. @britney-mcclain, but some people have generic ass names and no picture of themselves attached to their account, or a picture that is not of their face, so HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW?! 

Don’t get me wrong. Venmo is still the gold standard and everyone has it, except for my hipster older brother because he doesn’t want to “have his banking info on any more apps” and makes his siblings suffer by using PayPal instead, and it’s convenient when it works. This is first world problems to the MAX, but this is my blog and I’ll complain about whatever I want. 🙂