Driving in LA is not for the faint of heart. I had a roommate once who moved back to Chicago after only one year in LA because she was a slow driver and she was tired of being honked at. (Obviously she moved back for other reasons too, but that was the nail in the coffin.) LA is a congested smogfest of Civics and Teslas and you better be on your A game of defensive driving because people are selfish dickwads whose time is more valuable than yours so they will run you off the road if you’re not careful!
Listen, gas is SEVEN fucking dollars in Biden’s America! We are broke out here in these mufuckin’ streets fighting for our lives! Please be more aware for fuck’s sake!
Absolute driving non-negotiables are as follows:
No turn signal. Obviously, this is the most egregious offense. My brothers in Christ, it takes less than a fucking second to up flip or down flip your little turn signal arm and it’s not to be fucking POLITE! Other drivers need to know if your dumb ass is turning right or left so we can make an informed decision about how we are going to proceed through an intersection. The people who don’t use a turn signal are the same ones who don’t wear a seatbelt (*cough* my ex boyfriend *cough*) because they think it’s uNcOoL. This isn’t fucking high school, grow up and let me know which direction you’re going so I don’t T-bone you?!
Slowly drifting into the left turn lane. Slowly drifting into the left turn lane when I’m behind you AND not using a turn signal?! I hope a chandelier falls on your head. Slowly drifting into the left turn lane with no turn signal and our light is a stale yellow?! I hope a Q-tip gets stuck inside of your ear canal. GET THE FUCK OVER SO I DON’T HAVE TO SLOW DOWN!
Going slow to look for a parking spot. Look, it’s the hunger games out here. If you don’t find a spot like a hawk from fifty meters away and can pull into it with ease, then you are going to have to circle the block and come back when there isn’t a line of cars behind you. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Parallel parking into a meter on a busy street. No ma’am, we ain’t doin’ that.
Texting and driving. Bro, you’ve drifted into my lane three times now. Kaitlyn can wait five minutes for you to sext her back. The protocol for texting while driving is this: you can read and respond at a red light but as soon as that shit turns green you drop that pocket robot back onto the passenger seat.
Seventeen cars turning left through a stale yellow light. No more than two cars are allowed through that shit, okay? Because anything past that and the light has already been red for thirteen seconds and you’re holding up traffic.
Pulling out in front of me and stopping halfway through your mistake. If you’re gonna cut me off, FOLLOW THROUGH, BITCH! If you cut me off, stop, look like a deer in headlights, do that little shrug and I’m sorry wave, not only have you pissed me off but you’ve pissed off everyone behind me too. If you don’t ask for permission then don’t ask for my forgiveness either! Just complete your fuckup.
Drunk drivers. I’m tired of playing driving duck and dodge on my way home from work at midnight because y’all had too many White Claws…oh, oopsie and that shot…or was it two shots? I did not sign up to play a real life version of Paperboy (anyone remember that old ass Nintendo game?), swerving and slamming my breaks to avoid your impaired driving skills. It’s always people in expensive cars who are drunk driving too which is hella stupid because you can afford to Uber literally everywhere so why aren’t you doing that?! Ride sharing is the greatest luxury of our lifetime so take advantage of that shit! And listen, if you are going to drink and drive, take the empty side streets home, don’t take Sunset or Fountain like an asshole.
I got rear-ended by a girl last night who said she FeLl aSlEeP aT tHe WhEel, aka she was on benzos and/or was looking at her phone and didn’t want to admit that. No one can be a defensive enough driver to prevent getting slammed into from the back! OPEN YOUR OJOS, AMIGOS! I don’t want to have to write another version of this in six months!