Jury Duty

“Jury duty is a special privilege as an American citizen and member of the voting public.” 

NO THE FUCK IT’S NOT.

Question: How does one get unregistered to vote? Asking for a friend. (Jk it’s for me.) I would rather not be able to vote than have to deal with the STRESS of jury duty. 

Look, I get it. Our state government needs to get asses in the seats somehow and not many people would willingly VOLUNTEER to listen to lawyers droning on and on about the penal code and all of its many special sections and amendments and addendums. Plus, most cases that need a jury are fucking boring and not an entertaining circus like the current Amber Heard/Johnny Depp shitshow. 

Listen, if you want me to be a juror on a murder case, ESPECIALLY if it involves a celebrity, I am SO down to clown. What I wouldn’t have given to be a fly on the wall of Robert Durst’s many murder trials. But can I also report to the courthouse like around noon-ish after my night owl self has woken up, worked out, showered, and eaten a sensible meal? Can we also move the courthouse somewhere OTHER than downtown LA and can I also get paid exactly what I would make for missing however many days of work? No? Then count me out, fam! 

Jury duty is just not conducive to my schedule. I am an ARTIST who waits tables for FUN and do not follow the nine to five hours of the average working class human being. If I were an office worker, and most especially if I were a work from home office worker, then jury duty would be HELLA fun. I would get to simply have a change of environment in which to clicked-y clack on my laptop keys while waiting to see if I’ve been selected. I would use the waiting room as my own real life Tinder and chat up some hot bachelors. And then if I were selected, I could just use up some of my paid sick leave or vacation days and not lose ANY money. No harm, no foul. But that is not an option for me and the judge or DA or whoever the fuck excuses people from serving did not have any sympathy for me when I recently tried to get out of it citing that reason. 

Y’all can’t expect me to report downtown in business attire on very short notice for a 7:45am call time! Are you out of your mind?! That would require me to get up at 6:30am. After potentially having worked all night until after midnight. I only see 6:30am for flights and acting jobs. And for both of those things I roll out of bed and come as is, knowing I either won’t do my makeup or that someone else will, and that I will have several options for napping throughout the morning. To be alert and professional at that hour to sit in the courthouse is unconstitutional. 

Everybody has to do it, just get it over with, blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda. But quick question: why don’t we ever see famous actors or even just really hot people on juries? In a Los Angeles courthouse it would be weird NOT to see both of those types on every single jury. Answer: It’s because they somehow get out of it. How do they do that!? Why do super hot people get out of everything and if you are one of those people please advise for fuck’s sake! Not that it would even work for me but at least let me try! 

The last time I had jury duty I was there with Brett Ratner. If you don’t know who that is and don’t want to Google, he is a famous director/producer, and he was at the very HEIGHT of his fame when he was in my jury duty group. Unfortunately for him he is neither an actor nor conventionally hot, so he couldn’t get out of it. He had to sit and suffer with the rest of the plebeians. I currently have his number in my phone because he and I became “friendly,” i.e. me being a super thirsty up and coming actress trying to get in good with a well known director and him trying to take advantage of that interest. He has now been Me Too’ed and has faded from the public eye. But it did give me SOME comfort in knowing that it truly is just something that is a necessary part of being in a meat suit on this rotating rock in space (aka: person on Earth). 

I just recently postponed my summons that was supposed to take place next week to five months from now just to get the monkey off my back. Not gonna lie though, I may move out of state, even if just for a brief moment in time, to get out of it completely. Please don’t tell George Gascon. 

Published by loverlo

Actress, writer, lover. leskirvi@gmail.com

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