Disclaimer before I offend the fuck out of all of my friends with babies: This is a very selfish post. Just FYI: I’m a selfish person. Which is why I don’t have any children, which requires you to be very UNselfish and ain’t nobody got time fo dat. I like to roll out of bed at 10am, get a workout in, scroll through social media for an hour, shower for thirty minutes, and do my makeup all before I can have ANY human interaction or fulfill any obligation. I truly don’t know how y’all deal with screaming and crying every day before you’ve even had your coffee.
But like, why does your baby get all of your attention now? I’ve known you for ten years! The baby has only known you for ten months! Why do I feel like the needy chick in a relationship that is hitting the skids?
New moms no longer have the bandwidth to carry on an adult conversation nor do they have time to wish you a happy birthday. Oh whoopsie, it was your birthday last week? You mean the event of the year where I used to be shitfaced and hogging the attention away from you and then would text you all morning the next morning about how hungover I was and send you hilarious videos of our shenanigans? Oh, that thing? Yeah, sorry, I not only didn’t respond to your invitation to that event this year I didn’t even text you to tell you happy birthday. I have a BABY, Lauren! I have REAL LIFE, IMPORTANT things happening that require my attention! You can’t possibly be upset about that! GROW UP.
Listen, pushing a watermelon out of your vag sounds fucking terrible. The kind of thing nightmares are made of. Which is why I don’t want to do it. You new moms out there deserve to pampered and celebrated and accommodated every chance you get. And BOY do you make sure all of the rest of us single, carefree people know it! If we don’t bend over backwards to acquiesce to whatever you need in exactly the moment that you need it we are a piece of shit because you recently PROCREATED. You have a living, breathing human being that relies on you to survive. How DARE you make anything about your own life about YOU. I can’t come to your get together during Whitaker’s NAP TIME! Are you INSANE?!
Don’t come around a new mom complaining about your bullshit problems with boys or how hard and stressful your life is right now because a new mom’s life is way HARDER and MORE stressful than yours so shut the fuck up!
When a former cool, interesting, intelligent woman has a baby she suddenly forgets who she is and what she likes. Her whole personality now revolves around the fact that she had a BABY. “I am a MOM. I now only want to talk about DIAPER GEENIES and BREAST PUMPS.” Okay, Marie, well just last year we were sending memes back and forth about dicks and laughing hysterically. Now when I DM you you take 7-10 business days to respond and ask me what sus means and it kills the whole vibe and joke.
I GET IT. You’re BUSYYYYYYYYYYYY. You’re also sleep deprived and leaking from your nipples and worried about whether Brynlee’s flushed cheeks signifies a fever or not. You have more important things to worry about than whether or not Matt texted me back!
But can new mom’s no longer have significant friendships? Do I have to wait until Ashlyn’s eight years old before you can have a personality and a meaningful conversation again? New moms only want to hang out with other new moms because they want to talk about teething and poop consistency for exactly forty-five minutes, getting distracted and losing their train of thought the whole time, before they fuck off back home again so they can feed Caden with a bottle warmed at exactly eighty degrees. Their baby-less friends just wouldn’t understand anything about them anymore!
And you’re right. I definitely do NOT want to talk about what Palmer is or is not eating and how she ALMOST started crawling today. Don’t care. Can’t relate. Remember when we used to talk about our dreams and hopes and fears? Is it only about Palmer’s dreams and hopes and fears now? That sucks. It was fun when you used to be a separate person from your child.
New mom friends will be like, “why don’t you text me to hang out anymore?” Ummmmm, because the last time I invited you somewhere you didn’t even respond. The next time I tried to hang out with you we had to schedule it two weeks in advance and then you forgot we had plans day of. The next time you had to reschedule four different times. There is only so much rejection I can handle. Plus you always bring your baby with you. This one-sided, afterthought of a relationship is ROUGH.
I know, I know, I don’t have a child. I have no idea how hard it is and how much sacrifice you have had to make. Kudos to you. I just miss y’all, that’s all. 😦