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Conspiracy Theorists

I’m a natural investigator. In fact, I’ve had a burning desire to work for the FBI for the better part of a decade, but the easiest path inside the bureau is to be a cop first, which, Fuk Da Poleeeece. (Just kidding, thank you for your service. I’m just not cut out for a career in law enforcement.) 

But there is a HUGE difference between wanting to investigate something based on actual, factual evidence, and using your imagination to create batshit fantasies of alternate truths. You’re really dipping your toes into mental illness and looking like Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind when you try and weave together a puzzle with yarn and push pins that is shady at best and based on vibes and intuition that you came up with when you were more baked than Snoop Dogg at 4pm on 4/20. 

Should we question everything that we see in the news? Sure, I guess. Especially things that the government, led by power hungry opportunists, who are only motivated to be passionate about things that will get them reelected, is leading the charge on. But find yourself a fairly objective and neutral news source (@Mosheh on Instagram is great), not ones based on opinions or funded by billionaires with particular agendas in mind, and take it in, find what resonates, take a nap, do a face mask, and move on with your goddamn life! The tin foil hat group is really jacking up their blood pressure and creating PARANOIA when it’s just not necessary. I can GUARANTEE you that those of us who “stick our heads in the sand” when you come around with some bullshit about how the vaxxine has put a tracking chip inside all of us are much happier with our lives. 

Because conspiracy theories are all based on FEAR, and who wants to live in a constant state of fear? If being ignorant will keep me happier, then WE GOOD, FAM. I’m okay with thinking that Chemtrails are bullshit even if they’re not. If planes really are conducting biological warfare on us, first of all what could they possibly gain from that?, and secondly, what the fuck am I supposed to do about it? Never sit outside again? You can pull my California afternoon sunshine from my cold dead hands. I’m happy to be fertilized by those chemicals instead of being shut inside of my mold-infested apartment, thank you very much. 

My favorite (re: hardest to believe) conspiracy theory of all time is that Bush did 9/11. Can you IMAGINE the kind of manpower and coercion and intimidation it would take to make sure that not ONE WHISTLE BLOWER in the White House BEFORE OR SINCE 9/11 has come forward about the planning or prior knowledge of that whole disaster? It’s been more than TWENTY years, honey! And not one person has accidentally slipped to their best friend that the government was behind the massacre of three thousand American citizens while they were blasted off of happy hour margaritas who then told her aunt in secrecy, who then told her husband and HER best friend whom she made pinkie swear that she would keep her fat mouth shut, who then told her whole knitting circle out of guilt, who then posted it on Facebook etc. etc. etc.??? It’s just not plausible.Y’all are silly, c’mon.   

I’ve watched enough true crime to keep my mind locked in a dark, suspicious, nefarious place for an entire fucking century and subsequent lifetimes. I am aware that there are more people than we even want to believe who are purely evil at their cores, but even I have a hard time coming up with a proper MOTIVE for why our government would do that. Our government sacrificed three thousand lives for some sort of terrorist performance art? To justify the war in Afghanistan? Okay, but, WHYYYYYY? When you push the conspiracists to answer that question, they have to take you down a whole ass rabbit hole of lies that starts to make less and less sense until they conclude with, “just TRUST me, bro.” 

Your honor, the motive is not strong enough. Case closed. 

No matter how many experts contradict the made up theories about how the twin towers came down and who was responsible, the 9/11 truthers refuse to listen. Experts and common sense have no place in a conspiracy theorist’s narrative! Go take your facts and your critical thinking and shove it up your ass! Why is this fantasy world of lies the hill you want to die on? Y’all get so passionate about it and for WHAT? It’s some kind of counter-culture, don’t tread on me, don’t trust the government at any cost, wheel of insanity that produces zero rewards for you. 

Conspiracy theorists live in a land of Hollywood scripting and creative storytelling. By all means, go off with your pizza gate findings, queen, that you had to scour the depths of the dark web to find! I’m not really sure why you think everyone in any sort of position of power is a pedophile, but you do you, I guess. But be careful, because unless you get control over your schizophrenia you’re going to end up writing a lengthy manifesto before storming the Capitol. Sorry not sorry.  

Published by loverlo

Actress, writer, lover.

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