If you’ve only been on one or two or even three dates with someone and they stop returning your texts it’s not that big of a deal, right? The investment is very low at that point and, even though it’s a dick move, getting past it is pretty easy peasy lemon squeezy.
But when someone goes ghost on you after you’ve built a foundation for months and gotten emotionally attached it feels pretty difficult difficult lemon difficult. Like they ripped your heart out of your chest and ran over it back and forth with their car forever.
I was ghosted for the first time in this way almost exactly a year ago. It’s a long, complicated story that I go into extreme detail about in my upcoming book, but here are the Cliff’s Notes: we were friends first who were unavoidably attracted to each other, but maybe not the best compatible match for a long term relationship. A crush developed (maybe one-sided on my end, who knows), we slept together, and then things got dramatically messy REAL quick. A confrontation ensued, I sent an impulsively angry text, and then I never heard from him again. I kept believing that he just needed more time…and then even more time…and then even more time…until I came to the STUNNING realization that the amount of time that he needed was ALL OF ETERNITY.
It’s not the REJECTION that hurts (I mean, obviously that hurts too but it’s secondary). It’s the UNCERTAINTY and ABANDONMENT that does the damage. Grow a fucking pair and MAN (or woman) THE FUCK UP and have an adult conversation.
Relationships that end without emotional maturity and communication hurt SO MUCH MORE than ones where everyone is being upfront and honest. If you’ve read the book Attached you will understand better than anyone that someone who can’t have a direct confrontation are avoidant attached types. They RUN AWAY at any sign of complication or emotional depth that they aren’t ready for. And PRO TIP friends: do not ever fall in love with someone who is avoidant attached. Because they will send you into therapy for the first time in your life like they did to me.
How hard is it to have a fucking conversation? For some people it’s THE HARDEST THING THEY’VE EVER DONE IN THEIR LIFE AND THEY WOULD RATHER BE WATERBOARDED AND THEN BURNED ALIVE ON A STAKE THAN HAVE THAT CONVERSATION. It’s because of childhood trauma and past relationship triggers and blah, blah, blah. We all have trauma, fam. You ain’t special. Your trauma just gave your lover trauma. Good work! It’s a never ending cycle until someone breaks the pattern by working through their pain instead of projecting it onto someone else.
One of my acquaintances who was friends with my ghoster had this to say about his behavior:
“His actions are telling you everything you need to know.”
NOPE NOPE NOPE. I DO NOT ACCEPT. He needed to use his mother fucking WORDS. Plus, my interpretation of his actions were that I was a piece of trash that was easily discarded and left for dead. Is that what he was trying to convey? Because, FUCKING OUCH. I did not imagine our connection. I did not imagine our chemistry. I did not imagine him saying I love you. I deserved better. We all deserve better. Say to my face (or call or even text) that you “don’t have the capacity for real love at this time, but thank you for playing.”
At the very least, I will give my ghoster credit for staying the fuck out of my life. What’s even more hurtful is when someone does a soft ghost. Where they take your relationship status from something kinda sorta serious to something casual to something close to nothing. They don’t want to fraternize with you anymore, but you still see them socially or they reach out sporadically on occasion. An open-ended ending? No ma’am. That is not respectful to ANY FUCKING BODY.
Ghosters are cowards plain and simple. They will get their karma. If not in this life, then in the next.