I used to love Melrose Avenue. I thought it was quintessential LA vibes with all of the artsy graffiti and kitschy little boutique shops. Now I just think it’s dirty and trashy and full of too many tourists and influencers trying to get a picture in front of the goddamn pink wall at Paul Smith. (It’s just a pink wall, calm down!) Not to mention traversing through it in a vehicle makes the blood vessels in my neck pop from rage.
Obviously if I can avoid driving down the Melrose strip in the West Hollywood area I do so at all costs. Willoughby is the real MVP of going east to west or vise versa, and even Beverly isn’t terrible as long as you don’t get caught up in the gridlock of traffic going east in front of CBS studios and Erewhon. But sometimes I just can’t avoid that stupid little street with one of the most well known names even outside of California.
There is no left turn lane ANYWHERE and you can’t turn left AT ALL from the hours of 7am to 9am and 4pm to 7pm which is the most baffling infrastructure I’ve ever seen. (Eric Garcetti, for the love of fuck, please advise!) If you need to make a left at any point on your morning or afternoon journey, LOLZ go fuck yourself! Make a right hand turn, go down a block that is two football fields in length, make another right hand turn, go down several blocks until you can see a stoplight back up on Melrose, turn right again to complete your square of insanity, sit at your red light in hell for all eternity, and then go straight through until you hit Santa Monica, make another right, and then two hours later make your left on your desired street. AYFKM?! (“Are you fucking kidding me.” It just hits different as an acronym.)
There are people who do not heed this no left turn rule though, of course. And they will create a line of cars so long it reaches Beverly Hills, while the impatient fire signs who need anger management (aka ME) blare on their horns behind them. It’s always hard to pick which lane you want when driving down this street from your nightmares—do you want to be stuck in the line of cars in the left lane behind the out-of-towner who can’t read, the Uber driver who lives in Valencia who also can’t read, and the asshole producer who can read but whose time is more valuable than yours, or do you want to be stuck in the right hand lane behind people who think it’s okay to PARALLEL PARK INTO A METER (A real Sophie’s Choice here). Bro, if you can’t PULL INTO the metered spot with ease, then you need to turn down a side street and park in the “two hours free” area with all of the other people who have manners and selflessness.
If you’re smart and are avoiding Melrose and trying to just get across it via a north/south side street, you will ALSO be inconvenienced because Gen Z’ers who think they are in New York will avoid the fact that their light is red and keep walking through their cross walk with their noses buried in their phones to see how many people have viewed their Tik Tok of CoNtEnT that they stole from a Twitter user and are trying to pass off as their own, original joke. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve yelled obscenities at a fucking youth in a crop trop being all unaware of her surroundings. I’m trying to prevent YOU from being pedestrian roadkill, bitch!
I used to frequent a bunch of the little bars on Melrose, namely The Snakepit, The Dark Room (RIP), The Parlor (RIP), and Village Idiot and I even used to buy clothes from some of the little hole in the wall proprietors. But I think we all age out of Melrose at a certain point. It’s mainly meant for early twenty-somethings who want to light their money on fire for clothes that are cheaper quality than plastic bags from the 99 cent store. Honestly if my favorite Urban Outfitters didn’t exist on Stanley and Melrose you would never see my ugly face even in the vicinity.