Millennials are the elite generation, let’s get that out of the way right now. We grew up both with the internet and without, so we know what it’s like to have to dodge sexual predators in an online chat room as a pre-teen but we also remember what it was like to only be able to play snake on a TI-95 calculator for entertainment in a boring classroom.
I’m pretty sure it’s just a prerequisite for every generation to hate each other, except for Gen X who just wants everyone to get along (and also, let’s be honest, we forget y’all exist). Millennials hate Boomers because they were able to financially support five kids and own a house on a teacher and low level white collar salary before tanking the economy and ruining the environment and our microbiomes with processed, packaged foods. But I think I speak for all Millennials when I say that the level of disdain we have for Boomers doesn’t even compare to how we feel about Gen Z.
The way you talk makes me want to pour gasoline inside of my ears. Listen, I spend seventeen hours a day on Instagram. I am VERY hip to slang terms and meme culture, thank you very much. But what the FUCK is a cheugy? I will fucking commit a rage murder if Gen Z makes up one more dumbass word that I have to look up on Urban Dictionary or encourages a saying like Pushin’ P or Bing Bong to go viral on TikTok and seep into other social media platforms. I fucking HATE TikTok and have no patience to scour the pointless content the youths are watching just so I know what trendy little catchphrase is in the zeitgeist this week! Stop making me feel old with your secret languages!
Your fashion is so whack I have second hand embarrassment. Millennial girls used to wear butterfly clips in their hair, Hollister V neck T-shirts over long tank tops, low rise denim skirts, and Ugg boots so I guess I don’t have much room to talk here. But bucket hats and wide-leg jeans just make y’all look sloppy and do NOT flatter your bodies. You look like skater kids from Venice beach…which is NOT a compliment. You’re bringing back the worst parts of 90s style for some odd reason. If you want to honor/emulate who came before you, put on a Nirvana shirt and a flannel like the rest of us.
You have such a superiority complex about technology. This Gen Z snob went viral on Twitter last week for making fun of the fact that Millennials still use GIFs as responses in text messages. That blonde dude who does the dumbfounded blinking, Dawson Leary crying, and Cardi B screaming “WHAT WAS THE REASON?!” will NEVER not be funny. Adjust your sense of humor, thanks. Apparently it’s not cool to post too much on your stories on Instagram and it’s also lame af if you post a grid photo more than twice a month. And when you do post on your grid, it should be a carousel of the most random shit you’ve ever seen: two empty Espresso martini glasses, a close up of your friend’s nose, a pancake in the street, a video of a video of raccoons, three pictures of you and your besties in the same position doing the same exact pose, but adjusted ever so slightly. THAT IS FUCKING STUPID. We did jump on your bandwagon to leave Facebook in the dust once the Boomers started getting weird and oversharing on there, but still, why do you get to make the rules? Mark Zuckerberg, who is a MILLENNIAL, is the reason you even have this time-wasting bullshit. Show some respect to your elders!
None of you got a driver’s license when you had the opportunity, except Olivia Rodrigo, which is VERY confusing. Millennials would count down the days and weeks until we could take driver’s ed and have sweet freedom and independence from our parents. Why would you not want that for yourself?! Ride sharing apps like Uber and Lyft are the greatest invention of the 21st century, but that is for drunk people and getting to and from the airport. Grow up and learn to drive, and then grow up some more and sink all of your hard earned cash into a money pit lemon that will break down on you seven times on the freeway for some necessary character building.
I’m sure any Gen Z kid who reads this (but won’t because they don’t have any attention span to read blogs. If it’s not a one minute reel, vlog, or Tik Tok they aren’t interested!) will think exactly like Jon Hamm/Don Draper in that one viral meme that I love:
Us: I feel sorry for you.
Don Draper: I don’t think about you at all.
K, whatever. Get off my lawn!